Big News Everyone! I have found someone to love. I have found someone who is responsible. I have found someone who is goal oriented. I have found someone who has courage. I have found someone who has strength. I have found someone capable of running a successful business. I have found someone who makes me happy.
Where did I find the love? Online dating? Blind Dates? At a bar? Nope. Tried all those a few years ago and came up with nothing. Dating after having kids is a whole different ball game than the first round. I’m not only dating with me in mind, but with my kids in mind too. I’m trying to find a person that is a great match for FOUR people to love, not just one.
Here’s a few things I’ve discovered a few years ago with my brief attempt at dating….
FIXING OTHERS- What I learned through the little bit of dating that I have done, is that I like to help people. I unknowingly gravitated to people who were a hot mess. lol. I thought I could help them in one way or another and I wanted to help them with their problems. Maybe since I couldn’t fix my own marriage, I was trying to find situations/people/issues I could try to fix. I don’t know. But what I do know is that it was emotionally draining. So I stopped.
PLEASING OTHERS- Also through the brief dating I did, I was reminded I’m a people pleaser. I was looking for someone to make happy. I love putting smiles on people’s faces. That makes me happy. The realization that looking for a response from other’s to determine my happiness was not healthy either.
DISCOVERING ME- When I was married, I was invested in a team. I was all in. All in as a parent. All in as a wife. Well, I’ll be honest… at some point during our marriage the team mentality suffered greatly from extenuating circumstances and I stopped being all in as a wife. I was still 100% physically in it, going through the motions and trying to create unity but my heart wasn’t in it. What was slowly lost during my marriage was me; my personality, my happiness, my confidence, my self esteem, all of me.
Being a full-time mom took all my time and energy. And I loved it. Most of the time. I wouldn’t be honest if I said it was great all the time. For all intents and purposes, even when married, I was home with the boys by myself most of their waking hours. It was mentally exhausting and sometimes I needed a break. Fast forward and my husband leaves me and I’m forced to ‘get a break’ when the boys spend time with him. After the initial agonizing heartache of them walking out the door each time to be with their dad and the sheer paralysis I had for the first 18-24 months or so of our new routine, my alone time became soul searching. I’ve spent time asking questions the last few years, I didn’t have answers to. What do I want to do with my free time? What do I want to do for a job? What things make me giddy with happiness? What lights my soul on fire? How do I make those things happen?
I was forced to try to answer those questions. I began enjoying going to bed early and watching a movie when I had the house to myself. I had fun going out with other single mamas who could relate to my situation. I realized I enjoy photography and it could provide me with income. I’ve learned I don’t want to make time for things that don’t fill my cup. I’ve discovered that some things I used to love to do, I don’t anymore. It’s ok to let go of old hobbies and make room for new… or even better allow room in your life to be still. I’ve come to the conclusion that my excitement for shopping over the years was merely a form of therapy while I was married. While I do still love a bargain, the desire to spend just to spend on ‘stuff’ is almost non-existent. I spend money traveling and buying new things for the house but I do it all with more purpose and less emotion. I’m no longer buying things trying to fulfill needs that weren’t being met.
I’ve realized, while thankful I did go on a few dates just so it’s not a scary idea anymore, dating is not something I’m interested in doing right now. It’s exhausting, can be all consuming and honestly takes my focus away from more important things. It’s not a priority for me. I am my priority.
Focusing on me has been the best gift I’ve received from a divorce I never wanted.
6 years since I knew something was seriously wrong with our marriage
5 1/2 years since I found out why our marriage was failing and started divorce process
5 years since I was making a one-sided attempt at saving our marriage
4 1/2 years since we went full throttle with the divorce proceedings
Less than a year ago, we were officially divorced.
That was the longest 5 years of my life. It was the hardest. It was the most depressing. It was the most emotional. It was also life changing and for the better. Much better!
Less than a year on the other side of the divorce, I look on those 5 years and think, “wow, that’s such a short period of my life. Look at all the great years that are still ahead of me. There’s been an incredible amount of growth and learning in those 5 ‘short’ years.” Perception has quickly changed. I’ve been on this earth almost 40 years and those 5 are just a small fraction of that. Those 5 do not define me but boy they sure have shaped me into a better version of me. There is so much great in my life to look back on and smile and even more great to look forward to in my future so I choose not to dwell on those 5 in a negative, drowning, all consuming way.
The past couple years, I’ve haven’t been looking for a man at all. Not a single date. People seem shocked when they find out I don’t have a boyfriend and even more surprised when I tell them I haven’t even been looking. I’ve been focusing on me and the 3 young men who are most important to me.
So all those things, I never expected to find…. someone who is responsible, courageous, goal oriented, strong, successful, happy, loving, someone worthy of my love. I found it… in me.
I’m finding more and more of me each and every day. I need to love me just the way I am, from my shiny spots to my bumps and bruises. When I feel 100% whole again and when I least expect it, the man God intends me to enjoy Chapter 2 with will walk into my life and I will be ready for a healthy relationship. Why? Because I love me. And only then, will I be able to love someone else.
Heather is the owner of Sweet Lemonade Photography and co-owner of Sweet Darling Weddings. Life gave her a bunch of lemons (you can read a little more here) and by keeping her focus on God, finding the positive in each day, and surrounding herself with supporting, loving and encouraging people she has turned those lemons into the sweetest lemonade. This blog has been created to share her heart, her adventures and find ways to bless others. You can contact her at heather@sweetlemonadelife.com.
I adore you! You are an amazing person with so much love to give. You inspire me to be a better person, wife and mother. I too tried to hold a failing marriage together. I know what it feels like to feel less than. Less than a wife and mother. Like something you would step in. It has taken many years to undo the damage that was done. I honestly was not looking and James fell right in my lap when I least expected it. He has also helped me be ok with me. He wanted the whole package. He asked ‘my’ children for permission to marry me. He is not only everything to me but he stepped up when someone else checked out and he didn’t have to but he did. They are no longer ‘my’ children they are OUR children. Yes, the boys go to their fathers house on the designated days/times they have to so he still is in their lives. You are so amazing and have such a gift. Your posts always make me feel better. Thank you for that! Your boys are so lucky you are their mom. You rock!
P.S. those first few months when they had to go stay at his house were some of the darkest days of my life. I know that feeling. I couldn’t stay at my house for probably the first 6 months while they were gone. Thankfully I had support and u would stay at my sisters or she would stay with me at my house.
Oh Jenny, I can relate. Every time the boys were gone for more than a few days, I was trying to figure out how to get to my mom’s. I didn’t want to be at my house without them either for the first year or two. Sounds like you found a wonderful Chapter 2. I’m so happy for you!!!
You are Awesome Heather! That is the best word I can think of to describe you! ..and your ex is obviously an idiot! Its too bad that so many guys are, but its great that you have found the best ‘you’, you can be! You are yet another in a long line of strong, admirable women, and you have so much to offer as a role model to others, but most importantly to your sons and their future wives! You Rock!!! 🙂
Wow, Geoff! Thank you so much for the wonderful message. That was so nice to read! 🙂